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Coral reefs can protect coastal cities from deadly floods, if only we keep them alive.
On a sunny afternoon in April, I stood indoors in front of the only machine in the world that can create a Category 5 hurricane in a lab. Housed in a large building at the University of Miami on Virginia Key, it consists of a swimming-pool-sized tank, a wave generator, and a loud jet engine that pipes in hurricane-strength winds.
The tank is an essential tool for research into how coral can lessen hurricanes’ damage to coastal communities. I was here to see how it works.
Tropical storms are among the most dangerous and costly natural disasters in the US. Hurricane Ida, which made landfall in Louisiana last August, for example, cost Americans roughly $75 billion, cut power to more than a million homes and businesses, and killed dozens of people.
If that’s not bad enough, climate change is making hurricanes more destructive. Global warming raises sea levels and fuels storms with more water and stronger winds, increasing the risk of flooding.
Engineers defend against these threats by building structures like levees and seawalls, but these tools are imperfect. They can damage the environment, they don’t always hold, and they can be pricey themselves.
But for many communities, a simpler (and cheaper) solution could be a big help: restoring coral reefs.
Coral reefs are among the many ecosystems, including mangrove forests and wetlands, that can protect us. They function like natural breakwaters during a hurricane, helping to dampen or “break” waves that can flood homes and offices near shore.
The problem is that coral reefs are dying. Along with disease and pollution, climate change — the same force making hurricanes more damaging — has wiped out half of the world’s reefs. So to protect our coastal cities, scientists say, we should also protect and restore our coral reefs.
Across the US, coral reefs help safeguard the homes of more than 18,000 people and avert $1.8 billion in flood damage each year, according to a recent analysis by the US Geological Survey (USGS).
Florida, home to the world’s third- largest barrier reef, receives a large chunk of those benefits. Reefs provide flood protection to more than 5,600 Floridians and prevent $675 million worth of damage to property and peoples’ livelihoods each year, the analysis found.
Reefs reduce the amount of energy in waves by an average of about 97 percent, not unlike how a speed bump slows a car. Waves with less energy are smaller and slower and don’t deal as much damage when they reach the shore.
Even just a small difference in a reef’s height can make a big difference in risk, according to a study published last year in the journal Nature. Flood risk is often measured by what’s called the 100-year-flood zone — an area in which the chance of a flood in a given year is 1 percent. If coral reefs in the US lose 1 meter of height, that zone in the US would grow by 104 square kilometers (or about 26,000 acres), putting about 51,000 more people at risk of flooding, the study found.
That’s a big reason why losing reefs is so frightening. “These losses could escalate flood risk in just years to levels not anticipated by sea-level rise for decades or a century,” the authors of the Nature study wrote.
In Miami-Dade County, sea levels are set to rise well over a foot in the next three decades. It’s one of the most flood-prone regions in the country, and a fitting place to study the impact of hurricanes.
When I visited the University of Miami in April, the hurricane simulator was filled with about a meter of water and a structure made of hollow, hexagonal tubes was submerged in the center. Scientists use the simulator to test how well structures like this one (called a “seahive”) dampen wave energy, with and without coral on them.
From a desk equipped with three computer screens, a doctoral student turned on the machine. The jet engine whirred and, inside, ocean-like conditions appeared. Gusts of wind created texture over the water, which erupted in waves that slammed into the seahive.
Experiments in the simulator have shown that structures like this with coral on them more effectively reduce wave energy, in some cases reducing it by up to 95 percent, according to Landolf Rhode- Barbarigos, a researcher at the University of Miami.
Before the end of the year, Rhode-Barbarigos and other scientists will sink a few different structures, including seahives, in North Miami Beach. They’ll plant coral on some of them to test them in real-world conditions for the first time.
The University of Miami’s restoration project is considered a “hybrid” approach because it involves a human-made structure and live corals. But dozens of initiatives around the world — and many in Florida — involve planting coral straight on dying or damaged reefs, as I reported in April. A key selling point for these projects is that they can help safeguard coastal communities against storms.
Researchers at the University of Miami and elsewhere have also been developing coral colonies that grow quickly and better tolerate rising ocean temperatures, disease, and predation, often with some out-there approaches. The idea is to regrow reefs with corals that can tolerate the forces that wiped them out.
The US spends roughly $500 million a year to limit coastal flooding and related threats, according to USGS. In some years, those numbers are much higher: The Army Corps of Engineers spent $15 billion in 2018, for example, on projects to prevent flood and storm damage.
These figures make what cities spend to restore ecosystems look like pennies. The nation’s largest project to restore reefs, an initiative in the Florida Keys called Mission: Iconic Reefs, has received only around $5 million in federal funding.
“Funds for disaster management and climate adaptation are tens to hundreds of times larger than funds for habitat conservation and restoration,” authors of the Nature study wrote.
That’s starting to change as government agencies look to reefs as a defense against tropical storms. One example is the seahive project, which was initially funded by the National Cooperative Highway Research Program (which is in turn funded by the federal government).
The Department of Defense is also shelling out millions of dollars for coral restoration through DARPA’s “Reefense” initiative. This is a big deal because it opens up an enormous new pot of money for reef conservation and restoration, said Andrew Baker, a coral researcher at the University of Miami who’s helping make corals more resistant to extreme heat.
Ultimately, protecting and restoring coral reefs is about much more than protecting coastal cities. Though they cover less than 1 percent of the world’s oceans, reefs sustain about one-quarter of all marine life and half of all federally managed fisheries. It’s hard to think of a better example of how helping an ecosystem is also helping ourselves.
The 2004 film, directed by Alice Wu, attempts to give equal weight to the foibles and fantasies of an Asian mother and daughter.
The first depiction of an Asian American mother-daughter relationship I saw on-screen was in Gilmore Girls. I’m aware of the irony, but the portrayal of Mrs. Kim, the strict, overbearing, religious mother of Rory’s best friend Lane, shook my 11-year-old self to her core. Mrs. Kim was, to put it bluntly, the antagonist of her daughter’s life. Lane had limited agency as a teenager. She wasn’t allowed to go out with friends and couldn’t publicly date boys, not in the way Rory could. In hindsight, the depiction was merciless in its othering mockery of Asian immigrant parenting, positioned in stark contrast to Lorelai’s casual, cool-mom demeanor. It didn’t help that Amy Chua’s 2011 book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother gave a racialized name to this aggressive style of parenting: the tiger mom.
Stories of maternal legacy have long dominated the Asian American cinematic oeuvre, since The Joy Luck Club over two decades ago. The diaspora’s identity, in many ways, exists in stark contrast to that of our first-generation mothers, even in a show like Gilmore Girls. Over the past decade, these narratives have evolved into something much more nuanced and forgiving. There is enough conflict and contention to drive the story forward, but room is left for reconciliation and filial acceptance. Turning Red and Everything Everywhere All At Once are the two most recent films that exemplify this shift. In the early 2000s, however, when Asian American films were few and far between, Alice Wu’s pioneering Saving Face attempted to give equal weight to the foibles and fantasies of both mother and daughter.
Saving Face, a 2004 romantic dramedy, features a Chinese American mother-daughter duo who are, unbeknownst to each other, each reckoning with an illicit romantic relationship. Wil (Michelle Krusiec) and her widowed mother Hwei-Lan (Joan Chen) privately worry that their choices will disappoint and dishonor their family — hence the overarching theme of “saving face.” They live in fear of ostracization from their tight-knit Chinese community in Flushing, Queens, even if abiding by certain cultural norms and expectations comes at the expense of their own individual desires.
Wil is a young and successful surgeon, who has yet to come out as publicly gay to her family. She frequently rebuffs her mother’s efforts to set her up with young Chinese men. After work one night, Wil finds her mom sitting alone in front of her Manhattan apartment. She learns that Hwei-Lan was kicked out by Wil’s grandparents because she is pregnant. Hwei-Lan refuses to reveal the identity of the man who fathered the child, enraging her father, who finds it unacceptable that his 48-year-old daughter is pregnant and unmarried. Meanwhile, Wil starts dating Vivian (Lynn Chen), a dancer and the daughter of Wil’s boss, but struggles to be publicly affectionate with her.
Vivian, in many ways, symbolizes Wil’s liberated potential, although Wil is hesitant at almost every turn in the relationship to showcase a deeper commitment to her. Their romance is far from perfect, and its development is stymied by Wil’s busy work schedule and role as her mother’s newfound caretaker.
Saving Face is often praised as a boundary-breaking, sapphic love story between two Asian American women. It is also, I would argue, a classic diaspora story with protagonists who find themselves caught between two worlds: the traditional values of the motherland versus an individualized, Western way of life. They are asked to determine their allegiances, at the risk of being shunned by their family and community.
Wil’s queer identity runs counter to her mother’s expectations. She has yet to fully come out, and so she sidelines her sexuality, until it impedes her burgeoning relationship with Vivian. Hwei-Lan, on the other hand, is punished for pursuing a secret sexual relationship by her elderly father. She exists in a paralyzing state of guilt and has no one to turn to, except for her daughter. Hwei-Lan’s father won’t allow her to come home until she finds herself a husband before the baby’s due or proves that she conceived by “immaculate conception” — two conditions that are seemingly impossible to fulfill. She seems consigned to her fate as the black sheep of the family, and Hwei-Lan spends her days satisfying her pregnancy cravings and binge-watching soap operas.
A criticism of diasporic storytelling is its tendency to default to an unsatisfying binary, one that poses the old and the new as irreconcilable. Saving Face derives the bulk of its momentum from these cultural anxieties, but slightly inverts the mother-daughter dynamic to offer up a fresh perspective. Cohabiting with her mother brings unexpected complications to Wil’s life. At first, it was an obligatory act of filial piety, but Wil grows accustomed to taking care of her pregnant mother’s emotional and physical needs. They sleep in the same bed, and Wil escorts Hwei-Lan to her gynecology appointments. They begin watching soap operas together, using the plot as a template to discuss hard decisions about life and love. Hwei-Lan’s stoic mask begins to slip. In one scene, she confesses her fear that she’ll be a terrible mother. “I don’t even like babies,” Hwei-Lan admitted to Wil. “You were different. You sprung from the womb already grown up.”
These snippets of domesticity, interlaced with moments of vulnerability and comedic humor, characterize the women beyond their roles as mother and daughter. Wil becomes involved with finding Hwei- Lan a potential husband, scouting candidates in her spare time and helping her get ready for dates. Before Hwei-Lan’s first date, Wil pauses and stares at her mom, as if she’s seeing her for the first time — not as a mother, but as a woman. “Ma, you’re beautiful,” Wil says, her hand caressing Hwei-Lan’s face. It’s a reaction that is tenderly exaggerated, almost bathetic, but it works. The statement captures Wil’s deep-seated admiration for her mother, a complex figure she is desperately trying to better understand.
I was first drawn to Saving Face because of its premise as a queer rom-com. After my first watch, I was slightly disappointed that it wasn’t the love story I expected. The film’s primary love story is between mother and daughter, who ultimately realize that they just want the best for each other, even if those decisions are frowned upon by everybody else. It is essentially a love letter from Wu to her mother. “I wanted my mother to know that it was never too late to fall in love for the first time,” according to her director’s statement of the film.
While some critics found the film’s final scenes saccharine and overly simple, Wu was determined to write a happy ending — a narrative that did not default to tragedy or misfortune. And that’s befitting for a mother-daughter story. Why do rom-coms always get happy endings, and not family dramas? With Saving Face, Wu dares to ask: Why not both?
Saving Face is available to rent on Amazon Prime. For more recommendations from the world of culture, check out the One Good Thing archives.
The unprecedented penalties are dismantling the Russian economy, even as Moscow tries to find ways to ease the pain.
The United States and its allies imposed unprecedented economic sanctions on Russia in the wake of its full-scale invasion of Ukraine. The swiftness and intensity of the penalties crashed the ruble, forced the Russian stock market to close, and sent Russians to line up at ATMs to withdraw dollars from their bank accounts.
The Russian economy was in free fall. Until it wasn’t, exactly.
The country’s central bank responded by sharply hiking interest rates to 20 percent and imposing strict capital controls. Those interventions, along with Russia’s still-intact ability to sell its oil and gas abroad, helped create a buffer against the economic chaos after the initial sanctions shock. The measures were “straight out of the country’s economic crisis playbook,” said Adam Smith, a partner at Gibson, Dunn & Crutcher, who worked on sanctions during the Obama administration.
The economic crisis playbook did its job, and calmed the immediate crisis. The ruble stabilized. That allowed Russia to declare victory over the sanctions onslaught. “The strategy of the economic blitz has failed,” Russian President Vladimir Putin said in April.
At least, that is what Russia would like to claim. Russia’s efforts to shore up its currency mask the profound economic disruptions and transformations that sanctions are unleashing within Russia right now. The West’s sanctions are isolating Russia, cutting it off from key imports that it needs for commercial goods and its own manufacturing to make its economy work. That means high-tech imports like microchips, to develop advanced weaponry. But it also means buttons for shirts.
Right now, there is “this false sense of stability,” said Maria Shagina, a visiting fellow at the Finnish Institute of International Affairs.
Russia is facing a deep recession, one the Bank of Russia says will be “of a transformational, structural nature.” The Finance Ministry has predicted the Russian GDP will shrink by about 8.8 percent in 2022. Inflation is expected to clock in as high as 23 percent this year. Russia is looking at a looming debt default. All of this will mean hardship for ordinary Russians, who are already seeing their real incomes shrink. Some tens of thousands have tried to flee, especially those in tech, prompting a potential “brain drain.” And these are the things we know; Russia will cease publishing a lot of economic data, a tactic, experts said, Moscow has used before to obscure the effects of sanctions.
These sanctions, said Yakov Feygin, a political economy expert at the Berggruen Institute, are pushing Russia — a modern economy, integrated around the globe — back decades and decades.
“They’ve stabilized it, they’ve taken emergency measures. That was to be expected. But that’s not going to help them in the long run,” Feygin said of Russia. “You’re not going to see people queuing for food for quite a bit. But with the current course of things, it’s still very possible.”
The US and European allies have continued to pile on more penalties, refining and sharpening the sanctions, all in an effort to ratchet up the pressure on Moscow. The EU is weighing a phase-out of Russian oil, and depending on the final details, that might further erode the Kremlin’s lifeline. And the US could take additional steps, like threatening secondary sanctions that go after countries like China or India, to deter them from buying cheap Russian energy. That comes at a cost, and not just for Russia.
Even without more escalation, the sanctions regime against Russia is one of the most aggressive in history, untested on an economy of Russia’s size and as entangled in the global financial system.
Whether the sanctions are “working,” then, depends on what they are intended to achieve. One thing is clear: Over time, these sanctions will likely make it harder for Russia to rebuild its tanks, manufacture cruise missiles, and finance a war. It will also make it harder to produce food and make cars. And it still may not stop Russia from pursuing its campaign against Ukraine, all with unpredictable consequences for the rest of the world.
The US and allies threatened sanctions against Russia should it invade Ukraine. It was always a question of how far the West might go, largely because of concerns on how some of the pain might rebound, economically and politically, onto the US and its allies. But the West moved swiftly and more forcefully than many expected, a reaction to the brutality of Moscow’s assault, the ferocity of Ukraine’s resistance, and Ukrainian President Volodymyr Zelenskyy’s pointed pleas.
After the US and EU put targeted sanctions on Russia in 2014 after its Crimea annexation and Donbas invasion, the Russian government took measures to sanction-proof-ish its economy — like building up some $640 billion in gold and foreign reserves. Yet the intensity of these latest Ukraine sanctions rattled Russia’s “fortress” economy. And in some cases, the West’s measures directly targeted Russia’s backup plan; sanctions on Russia’s central bank, for example, prevented Russia from accessing about half of those foreign reserves.
Even so, Russia reacted aggressively once those sanctions hit. “They have done textbook defensive policies to retain capital and stabilize the currency and avoid a financial crisis,” said Rachel Ziemba, an economic and political risk expert and adjunct senior fellow at the Center for a New American Security.
Take the ruble, which President Joe Biden declared reduced to “rubble.” In the aftermath of sanctions, its value crashed. It suddenly took a lot more rubles to buy, say, one US dollar. You really wouldn’t want rubles, then, because you wouldn’t have as much purchasing power. So the Russian central bank sought to create demand for rubles.
The central bank did so through a series of measures. That included raising interest rates, an incentive for Russians to save their money. The bank implemented a series of capital controls that targeted Russian businesses and individuals. For example, companies that export things or do business abroad had to convert 80 percent of their foreign exchange revenues to rubles. It also limited the amount of money Russians could transfer abroad or remove from foreign bank accounts — currently no more than $10,000 over the next six months.
Those are policies the Russian central bank engineered, but Russia has also benefited from the fact that it is still exporting a lot of oil and gas, including to places like Europe, which gets more than one-third of its natural gas imports from Russia. That money — hundreds of millions per day from the European Union alone — is coming into the Kremlin’s coffers, and their ability to replenish funds gives the economy a cushion.
This is partly why Putin started demanding “unfriendly countries” pay for natural gas in rubles, as it would help prop up Russia’s currency. But it’s also why, until his shutoff to Poland and Bulgaria (who are far from the biggest consumers of Russian gas), Putin wasn’t enforcing it because it might require contract renegotiations, and that might incentivize EU countries to start the process of weaning themselves off Russian hydrocarbons altogether.
Neither sophisticated Russian central bankers nor energy can fully save the Russian economy in the long run. As Smith said, this is the economic crisis playbook. “The problem with that playbook, of course, is that it runs a course,” Smith said.
These measures are painful, which makes them harder to sustain. Russia has slightly eased some of its interventions, inching down interest rates to a (still high) 14 percent. It also loosened some capital controls, but that also knocked the value of the ruble.
Oil and gas revenues help, but if sanctions tighten or Russia is forced to sell its gas on the cheap — or if the threat of running afoul of sanctions deters even the bargain hunters — the safety net frays over time. Russia has already said oil output is expected to decline as sanctions hinder investments and trade.
“There was an initial shock,” Feygin said. “It’s over, but it’s not better.”
Russia wants everyone to want rubles. But there isn’t much Russia can do with all those rubles because sanctions block those transactions or make them way too expensive. “The money itself matters, but also how you can use it — both in terms of who your counterparts are, and physically, how you can move it around — matters much more,” said Edoardo Saravalle, a sanctions researcher.
Moscow can’t buy some foreign goods because of controls on critical items like microchips. Those restrictions will directly undermine Russia’s technology and defense sectors, making it difficult to continue developing weaponry or tools like artificial intelligence, or even repair damaged tanks.
Even if items are not explicitly banned, the web of financial sanctions can make it difficult to do transactions, and often it’s easier for Western companies to self-sanction to avoid running afoul of any possible penalties.
And sanctions have revealed how reliant Russia is on imported goods and products, not just for the things the country’s populace buys, but for the things it needs for the products it makes and sells at home.
All of that means Russia’s economy will become more isolated over time. Data from other countries has shown that it is already beginning to happen, as imports to Russia are crashing. For example, Finland’s exports to Russia are down 60 percent; South Korea’s are down about 62 percent.
Russian planes are now mostly limited to domestic flights because of sanctions, but because a lot of the jets in Russia are made by Western companies like Boeing, Russia can’t get spare parts or maintenance, leaving it to recycle parts from grounded planes or cut back the flights it still has. Car companies can’t get parts, either.
Companies can’t get bleaching reagents for paper or packaging for baby food. One report from a Russian business outlet said that 90 percent of Russian bread makers rely on parts from Europe; their current replacements will only last months. Russia’s garment industry got a lot of buttons from the European Union. As Elvira Nabiullina, the governor of Russia’s central bank, said, finding new buttons is possible, it just takes time.
All of this cascades across the economy. If a car company can’t get parts, it may have to temporarily shutter and its employees will lose income. If the bakers can’t fix their mixers, it may mean bread shortages. If Russia can’t get semiconductors or chips for computers or communications systems, it will have to make equipment that is less technologically and economically efficient. A report from the Bank of Russia called what Russia is facing “reverse industrialization.”
The US and its allies also keep adding more sanctions. So far, they are not as sweeping as what happened in the early days of the war, but instead are more incremental, building on what was already in place. For example, after the discoveries of the Bucha massacre, the US closed a loophole on Russia’s sovereign debt payment that might now force Russia to default on its foreign debt for the first time in more than a century. Europe is reportedly ready to move on a gradual oil embargo. It’s a cumulative tightening that gives Russia fewer and fewer options out of the catastrophe.
Ordinary Russians, too, have fewer options. They are the ones who will feel the real crush of sanctions. Overall, experts said, Russians are likely worse off than they were two months ago. “People are seeing a squeeze on their real incomes, that’s the main effect that ordinary Russians are feeling,” said Jacob Nell, former chief Russia economist and head of European economics at Morgan Stanley.
Ziemba said, at the outset, relatively well-off Muscovites might have felt the shock of sanctions most sharply — like those who worked in tech or who had a nice chunk of change in a foreign bank account. This is partly what prompted tens of thousands of people to flee, a “brain drain” depleting Russia of those who might be best able to help Russia recover, whenever that might be. Still, the sanctions have now made it even harder for those people to leave. There are few planes to take you anywhere, and Russians can’t take out more than $10,000 in foreign money from their accounts, making it hard to start a new life, wherever you might go.
Yet many of those middle- and upper-class Russians — with resources at the start of this crisis — are the people best able to withstand sustained sanctions pressure in the longer term. Russia’s most vulnerable will feel the sanctions’ pain most acutely, watching their incomes shrink, struggling to pay for goods, and seeing services fall away.
As Shagina said, those on Russia’s periphery were always an afterthought, and they will be the ones who suffer the most. “If you look at the people who were sent to fight the war in Ukraine, and they’re from the Far East. And because they were poor, I think their situation will be even worse,” she said. That is, the Russians who have the least power may be punished the most.
The longer sanctions stay in place, the worse it will be. “We’re ultimately looking at an economy that is shrinking, is turning more inward,” Ziemba said.
Russia may figure out how to navigate as a permanently state-sanctioned economy — like an Iran or a North Korea. “These economies, they don’t just stop, they kind of slow down and stumble,” Saravalle said. “But often, I think in the popular perception, there was this point where the economy just collapses — and there isn’t necessarily. Past sanctions programs haven’t had these types of collapses.”
Russia will find workarounds where it can. It will substitute for supply chains, many of which will be murky, and help fuel a dark economy. Living standards may erode to levels not seen in decades, and the things Russians buy may be more poorly made and harder to get. “Cuba refurbishes old cars for a reason,” Feygin said. In early April, after the Biden administration tightened sanctions, a senior Biden administration official told reporters that, at this rate, Russia “will go back to Soviet-style standards from the 1980s.”
That will not likely happen in the immediate future, but it is the course Russia is on, for as long as the West keeps it there. But the question is: What does the West actually want to achieve by doing this? Before the invasion, the Biden administration framed the threat of sanctions as a way to deter Russia from invading Ukraine. It did not.
In the wake of the invasion, the goal was framed as “inflicting pain on Russia and supporting the people of Ukraine,” which is how Biden put it in his State of the Union. He also talked about depleting Russia’s military, making it harder to wage war in the future.
The Biden administration has also indicated that certain sanctions are trying to squeeze Russia, eroding its ability to finance its war in Ukraine. This month, Defense Secretary Lloyd Austin said that the US “wants to see Russia weakened to the degree that it can’t do the kinds of things that it has done in invading Ukraine.” The administration hopes to accomplish that through a combination of sanctions on Russia and aid for Ukraine.
But it’s less clear what a “weakened” Russia means, and what the United States and allies would do with it. Are they using the pressure to get Russia to the negotiating table? Are they trying to stop the war by getting Russia to withdraw or surrender? Or to defeat it? And what are the consequences of that?
If this is an indefinite effort to weaken Russia, it may get harder to keep up the intensity. The US and its allies acted in cohesion and got enormous buy-in from other partners, including in Asia. But as the war drags on and sanctions continue, that coalition may fracture, especially if the economic costs mount beyond Russia’s borders.
Poorer countries will experience the shock of these economic sanctions, without having much say at all in whether or not they will support these policies. Farmers in Brazil need fertilizer from Russia, countries that depend on Russian arms exports all of a sudden won’t have parts or equipment for themselves, either.
As experts said, the United States and its allies may also need to mitigate the pain for these countries, promising to help replace arms at a discount or offer food aid. The US’s latest request to Congress for $33 billion in supplemental aid to Ukraine partially acknowledged this, including funding for global food assistance.
The sanctions on Russia are unraveling its economy. But this act of extreme economic pressure will have consequences beyond Russia. “It’s a form of economic war,” Saravalle said. “But it’s also very much like we’re reshaping the global economy.”
BCCI bans journalist Boria Majumdar for 2 years in Wriddhiman Saha case - The Indian wicketkeeper had tweeted in February that he received threat messages from Majumdar for declining an interview request
Ravishing Form and Shabelle please -
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God: You know a lot of people died because of you, I have to send you to hell
Hitler: Can I have one last wish first?
God: Sure, why not
Hitler: I want you to kill ten thousand Jews and two Greeks
God: Why two Greeks?
Hitler: See? Even you don’t give a fuck about the Jews
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I’m about to make tacos because they don’t live in a swing state.
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He reaches into his bag and takes out a bunch of regular dinner table forks and a roll of duct tape.
He tapes several forks together to make a bridge and lays it down, allowing the two of them to get across.
When they get back to Yoda’s hovel, they find that some creature has chewed a hole in the fence around Yoda’s garden.
“Something I have for this.” Yoda says again.
Once again, he takes a bunch of forks out of his bag and, using duct tape, tapes them in to patch the hole.
Yoda and Luke return to Yoda’s home, where Yoda looks through his bag.
He’s used all his forks but one, he discovers.
“That’s ok Master.” Luke says, wanting to be helpful. “I’ll write us a note reminding us to buy more.”
So he writes the note and uses the very last fork to pin it to the bulletin board.
He looks down at Yoda expecting pride, but instead finds a look of horror.
“Master Yoda!” he asks. “What did I do wrong?”
Yoda replies sagely, “A Jedi uses the forks for no ledge and the fence. Never for a tack!”
submitted by /u/808gecko808
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The last stop is the bedroom, where a big brass gong sits next to the bed.
“What’s that gong for?” the friend asks him.
“It’s not a gong,” the drunk replies. “It’s a talking clock.”
“How does it work?”
The guy picks up a hammer, gives the gong an ear-shattering pound, and steps back.
Suddenly, someone on the other side of the wall screams, “Hey asshole! It’s 3:30 in the fucking morning!”
submitted by /u/DennySmith62
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Every time I leave work, one of them approaches me and shakes his can full of coins just to show off how he has more money than me.
submitted by /u/EndlessMorfeus
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