Daily-Dose

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From New Yorker

From Vox

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From Ars Technica

From Jokes Subreddit

  • Divorce Judgement -

    A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

    She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

    “No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

    “It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

    “I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

    “I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

    He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

    “No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

    “Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

    “Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

    “Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

    “Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

    Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

    “Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!”

    submitted by /u/pash5050
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  • The animals in the zoo were talking amongst themselves about the recent drought… -

    The cows said they hoped it would rain soon as the fields they grazed in were dry and turning brown.

    The giraffes said they hoped it rained soon as the leaves on the tops of the trees were sparse.

    The monkeys hoped it would rain because the branches of the trees were dry and snapping, making it hard for them to swing around.

    The kangaroo said she hoped it wouldn’t rain.

    When the other animals pressed her as to why not, she replied “because then my kids will be inside all weekend!”

    submitted by /u/Spaceace91478
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  • A woman walks into the produce section of the supermarket -

    And asks the man stocking oranges, “Excuse me sir, where can I find the broccoli?”

    The man replies, “I’m sorry ma’am, we’re fresh out of broccoli but we’ll have some tomorrow.”

    The woman walks away. Comes back a few minutes later, taps the man on the shoulder and says, “Where’s the broccoli? I can’t find the broccoli!”

    The man says, “Ma’am I already told you we don’t have any broccoli. We’ll have some tomorrow.”

    The woman walks away. Comes back a few minutes later, “I STILL CAN’T FIND THE BROCCOLI I LOOKED EVERYWHERE!”

    The man looks at her strangely and says, “How do you spell ‘cat’ like in ‘catastrophe’?”

    The woman says, “C-A-T.”

    The man says, “Great, now how do you spell ‘dog’ like in ‘dogmatic’?”

    “D-O-G.”

    “Good, now how do you spell ‘fuck’ like in ‘broccoli’?”

    The woman says, “There is no ‘fuck’ in ‘broccoli’.”

    The man says, “THAT’S WHAT I’M TRYING TO TELL YOU LADY!”

    submitted by /u/Goalium
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  • A farmer sold an old horse, but warned the buyer she didn’t look too good. -

    The buyer insisted she looked well enough and bought her. A few days later, the buyer came back, complaining the horse kept bumping into things.

    “The old mare’s completely blind!” he shouted.

    “Well, I told you she didn’t look too good,” the farmer replied.

    submitted by /u/JerewB
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