Adapting to change is never easy, but you can shift how you respond to stress.
When Luana Marques was growing up in Brazil, life was not easy. Her parents had her when they were very young, and they didn’t know how to take care of themselves, much less their children. Drugs and alcohol were also a problem. “Between the many instances of domestic violence, I often felt scared, wondering when something bad would happen next,” she says. She lived in poverty with a single mother and experienced a lot of trauma and adversity. Eventually, she moved in with her grandmother, who taught her how to approach her fears without avoiding them, and to tolerate discomfort. “My grandmother would call that being the water, not the rock,” she says. “When change happens, some of us become stuck, like the rock. The opposite is being the water. You flow around the change.”
Years later, when Marques, now an associate professor of psychology at Harvard Medical School, was studying cognitive behavioral therapy, she realized that her grandmother had been giving her lessons in resilience.
The American Psychological Association defines resilience as “successfully adapting to difficult or challenging life experiences, especially through mental, emotional, and behavioral flexibility,” but Marques puts it more simply: “The way I think about it is the ability to build mental strength in such a way that your brain has what’s known as ‘cognitive flexibility,’” she says. “It means that when life throws you curveballs or adversity, you are able to make decisions that are aligned with your values.”
As stressors like war in Ukraine and the Middle East pile on top of the pandemic, inflation, layoffs, and growing rates of anxiety and depression, cognitive flexibility can be an important skill to hone and keep in our emotional toolboxes.
But the good news is, resilience isn’t a fixed asset. Though studies show that some people are naturally more resilient than others, just as some people are naturally more optimistic, there are ways to strengthen those muscles. Heidemarie Laurent, a professor of caring and compassion at Penn State University (yes, this is really a thing), focuses on resilience in her work at the school’s College of Health and Human Development. “There is no one prescription,” she says. “For each person, it’s finding what you can really integrate into your life and stick with.”
Pause so you can respond better
The first step to becoming more resilient is to understand how your brain works. When you’re stressed, your amygdala, the part of your brain that handles fear, is activated, and you have a fight-or-flight response. “When you say to someone, ‘I’m so anxious, I can’t think straight,’ that’s actually your biology,” Marques says. “You can’t think straight because your prefrontal cortex is offline.” Instead of immediately reacting, Marques recommends that you recognize your emotional response to stress and take a pause. “That’s our superpower that we don’t use enough,” she says. “The ability to say, ‘Okay, I’m really angry, but I don’t have to act on that anger yet.’ Creating that pause builds resilience.”
Build community and improve self-talk
Taking a beat allows you to reframe the way you’re looking at a situation. When experiencing stress, one of the first things we typically do is appraise it to determine how taxing it may be. Social support is one of the biggest assets that plays into that appraisal, says Jennifer Wegmann, a professor of health and wellness studies at Binghamton University whose research focuses on stress mindsets. Just knowing that you have a text chain of friends you can vent to or family that can drop off groceries while you’re sick makes you feel as though you’re better able to handle the situation. “Social connectedness is honestly a game changer when it comes to stress,” she says. “It is one of the most powerful strategies and tools that we have.”
It’s also something that you can grow. Communities shifted in myriad ways during the pandemic years, and making friends as an adult has never been easy. If you’re feeling unmoored or unsupported, look for ways you can expand your social circle by joining clubs, asking a coworker to get coffee, starting playground meet-ups, or volunteering. “Pivoting outward to the needs of others in your networks can reinforce the realization that you’re a part of an interdependent network of humans,” says Laurent. “Helping others can be a really powerful strategy for improving our well-being.
Another big piece of reframing your view of stress is changing the way you talk to yourself. Too often, when we’re scared, we get trapped in cycles of negative thoughts, bullying ourselves in a way we never would a friend. To widen your perspective, Marques recommends asking yourself, “How would I talk to a friend in this scenario?” Would you tell them there’s no way they can finish a test on time or that a work project just isn’t good enough? Make a conscious effort to give yourself the support you would give a friend.
Approach your fears head-on
Sometimes, it’s hard for us to even think about the things that stress us out, much less face them head-on. Or we look so far into the future that we can’t deal with the decisions of the present moment. But, “resilient people walk toward their anxiety and stress,” Marques says. To ease that fear, she recommends finding ways to make your stressor less scary. If you’re afraid to ask for a raise, stopping to sit and write down five reasons you deserve it can help reinforce your own worthiness. If you have a stack of bills piling up, taking the first step of opening the envelopes and not putting pressure on yourself to take a second and third step could ease the process in the long run. It’s about “removing that extra layer of struggle with reality that gets in the way of meeting a situation as skillfully as possible,” Laurent says. “If I’m stuck getting frustrated with ‘this shouldn’t be so,’ it’s actually just creating more suffering within me. If I start with, ‘Here is the situation, and how can I meet that whether I like it or not?’ I leave space for myself to act.”
Mindfulness can also help. It’s a term people love to chat about on social media, but Laurent defines it as “fully living moment to moment with awareness of what is actually happening, and not our internal stories about what is happening.” Building mindfulness might involve activities like meditation or spiritual practices, but it can also mean going for a walk in nature or taking in artwork, music, or other things you find beautiful. It can also involve spending time with other people where you’re having a more thoughtful conversation that leads to deep awareness about what’s going on with you and the other person.
Align with your values
A huge part of resilience is making sure that you make decisions that match your values. If you say family is very important to you but you don’t make it home for dinner every night, there’s a dissonance there. “If you live a life where values are aligned with actions, you have less stress, less anxiety, and more life satisfaction,” Marques says.
And though you may think you already know what your values are, Wegmann recommends sitting down and thinking about what matters to you. “That takes time,” she says. “You have to be present and really be reflective to get to the nitty-gritty of, ‘What are my top values? What is most important to me?’” If your decisions are not lining up with those values, it’s time to make some changes and possibly set some boundaries. Are there things you can do to adjust your work/life balance? Do you need to start saying no to more things to protect the time you need to exercise, or spend time with valued friends? “Our willingness and our ability to put these bumper guards around us is one of the ways in which we can highlight our resilient nature because it changes how we navigate through the stress process,” Wegmann says.
Gratitude can be a piece of it, too. Keeping a gratitude journal or making a practice of finding five things you’re grateful for every day can not only help reveal things you value, but also lead to more positive feelings, she says. “It’s really connected to happiness,”
Focus on healthy habits
Even the most stress-resistant humans are going to have trouble bouncing back from adversity if they’re not taking care of themselves. The very basic healthy habits we’re all told to work toward — enough sleep, a healthy diet, regular exercise — are the foundations that hold up our ability to deal with stress. “If you’re not sleeping enough, if you’re not moving your body and you’re not eating enough, you just don’t have enough energy in your body to even get your brain to function,” Marques says. “And so whenever somebody comes to me and says, ‘I need help with anxiety,’ I say, ‘How’s your eating? How’s your sleeping? How’s your exercise?’ Because if I don’t get your foundation right, then you don’t even know if you’re hungry or you’re anxious.”
Know that resilience is a process
The process is not linear, and that’s okay. “A person’s journey to becoming more resilient is more of a spiral or a labyrinth,” Laurent says. “At times, it might feel like you’re going backward from where you started. But all those twists and turns are taking you along this path. And seeing that is part of having a broader perspective.” It’s important to look back and give yourself credit for the stressors you have moved through and all the adversity you have overcome. You can remind yourself that if you’ve gotten this far, you know you can take on the next thing that comes your way.
Marques, who wrote Bold Move: A 3-Step Plan to Transform Anxiety Into Power, has seen people who have focused on resilient practices change the trajectory of their lives. In working with a nonprofit focused on men transitioning out of prison, she met a young man who told her that after a challenging look from another man, he asked a friend to bring him a gun so he could shoot him. But in the time it took for the gun to arrive, he paused, thought about his options and what he wanted, and walked away. After a presentation, a woman came up to her and said Marques had convinced her not to quit her job and deal with problems at work instead, and she got a promotion. But most of all, Marques knows that her grandmother’s lessons in resilience are the reason she was able to leave Brazil and make it to Harvard. “If her advice didn’t work, I wouldn’t be sitting here right now,” she says.
The party is fractured over President Joe Biden’s unequivocal support for Israel as it continues its military campaign in Gaza ahead of 2024.
Democratic divisions over the war in Gaza have spilled out into the open in recent weeks, raising questions about the potential electoral consequences ahead of 2024.
On Tuesday, the House passed a resolution proposed by Republicans that equates anti-Zionism with antisemitism. Republicans said they intended to curb a very real outpouring of antisemitism amid the war. But the actual outcome of the resolution — which advances a misleading premise that criticism of a diverse pro-Israel political movement is equivalent to hatred of Jews — merely put Democratic discord on display.
Some 95 Democrats voted for the resolution to show their support for Israel following the October 7 attack by Hamas, a Palestinian militant group designated a terrorist organization by many countries. Another 92 Democrats, including several Jewish Democrats, voted “present,” neither supporting nor opposing the resolution. The remaining 13 Democrats, mostly progressives who have called for a ceasefire as the death toll in Gaza surpasses 17,000, voted against the resolution.
The divisions go beyond the resolution, however. Rep. Pramila Jayapal (D-WA) has also recently faced backlash from her colleagues for what they perceive as her not being forceful enough in condemning widespread sexual violence that Israel claims Hamas committed on October 7. The criticism came after Jayapal said in an interview with CNN last weekend that while using rape as a tool of war is “horrific,” “we have to be balanced about bringing in the outrages against Palestinians.” Several Democrats have since started drafting a resolution condemning the alleged sexual violence, which Hamas has denied despite witness testimony, crime scene photos, and videos posted by Hamas fighters themselves.
And progressives have sought to place conditions on any military aid sent to Israel, which President Joe Biden and Vice President Kamala Harris have rejected as the administration maintains its unequivocal support for the war. More than a dozen Democratic senators have called for an amendment to a pending $111 billion foreign-aid package — around $10 billion of which would go to Israel — requiring that Israel “abide by US and international law, prioritize the protection of civilians, assure the provision of desperately needed humanitarian assistance to civilians in Gaza, and align with a long-term vision for peace, security, and two-state diplomatic solution,” as Sen. Ed Markey (D-MA) described it in a statement. Moderate Democrats have not joined those calls, and the AP reported that some believe the amendment is unnecessary given that US law already requires that recipients of US military aid respect human rights.
Democrats have prided themselves for years on staying unified around core issues in contrast to Republican disarray, but are now facing bitter disagreement about the US’s relationship with Israel.
“There’s a huge cleave in their coalition right now,” said Jason Cabel Roe, a GOP strategist based in Michigan. The state has a large Muslim-American community frustrated with Biden’s handling of the war, and some political strategists believe that could cost him the critical swing state where a recent poll showed him trailing former President Donald Trump. “How forceful Biden has been in his support of Israel creates a real problem and forces every Democrat to now pick a side within their coalition,” said Roe.
Will Democrats’ disagreements actually matter in 2024?
The division within the Democratic caucus reflects a national debate Republicans believe they can use to their advantage in next year’s elections.
GOP pollster Robert Cahaly said that, based on what he’s hearing from voters, US policy on Israel may well become a determinative issue for voters in 2024 akin to abortion or guns. Biden’s almost unconditional support for Israel as it continues its indiscriminate bombing campaign in Gaza has been met with outrage among many young voters and Muslim Americans, a number of whom are consequently threatening to ditch Biden in 2024. And conversely, there are also some Democrats who don’t think that their party’s support for Israel has been strong enough. In the last month, Biden has taken a slightly more critical stance, pressuring Israel to take more care to avoid civilian suffering and rein in Israeli settlers in the West Bank, apparently to little avail.
“People are angry about this,” Cahaly said.
But Simon Rosenberg, a Democratic strategist who correctly predicted Democrats’ strong performance in the midterms, said that Republicans shouldn’t be licking their chops yet. Polls have repeatedly shown that most Democrats approve of Biden’s approach to the war. There is a sizable share of Democrats who don’t approve — 39 percent in a December AP-NORC Center survey, which is consistent with other recent polls by Quinnipiac, Marist, and YouGov. But the question is whether their disagreement with the president will matter when it comes time to vote.
“It’s highly unlikely that for other than a small number of people this will be a determinative voting issue for them 11 months from now,” Rosenberg said. “Based on history, where foreign policy issues often are not determinative for many voters, it’s unlikely that this is going to become something that creates a major fissure in the Democratic Party.”
So far, it doesn’t seem like the war has meaningfully hurt Biden in head-to-head matchups with Trump. There have been six such polls released in the last week in which Biden was ahead or tied with Trump, and in several, he had improved his standing since November. And in a Harvard Institute of Politics poll released earlier this week, Biden was beating Trump among 18- to 29-year-olds by 24 percentage points — the same margin he won by in 2020, according to exit polls.
“There is an important debate happening inside the Democratic Party right now,” Rosenberg said. “Is it going to be corrosive and divisive? Of course, it could be. There isn’t a lot of evidence that it is right now.”
Democrats still need to be careful about how they manage the war, both in terms of communicating with the American people and in terms of ensuring that the war is “conducted in a way that’s consistent with our values and policies,” Rosenberg said. So far, he added, Biden has been effective in responding to his more progressive critics’ calls for a ceasefire while ultimately preserving his pro-Israel stance. The ceasefire, brokered by Qatar and Egypt, was welcomed by Biden, but was only temporary, lifting on December 1 after negotiations between Israel and Hamas deteriorated with each side blaming the other.
Still, Republicans perceive opportunities to pick up voters who might be alienated by Biden’s support for Israel.
That might include Jews who feel Democrats haven’t been full-throated enough in their support for the war, Roe said. While any gains with that group might have limited impact in terms of winning elections given that Jewish voters are concentrated in large, mostly Democratic cities, it could be a boon for fundraising, he added.
“When it comes to defending Jews in America today, Republicans are out there forcefully and aggressively, and obviously, there’s political opportunity there,” Roe said. “How are these voters still lined up with Democrats?”
Cahaly said that the war may help Republicans reframe the narrative around extremism in their camp, allowing them to point the finger at Democrats for espousing what they perceive as antisemitism. It’s worth noting, however, that some Republicans who have recently taken up the argument that Democrats belong to an extreme, antisemitic party, including Rep. Elise Stefanik (R-NY) and Rep. Marjorie Taylor Greene (R-GA), are notorious peddlers of antisemitic conspiracy theories themselves.
Cahaly also sees an opportunity for Republicans to win over disaffected Democrats and independents and energize members of their base who see the pro-Palestinian views of young people as the product of left-wing ideas run amok at institutions like universities. “There is a price for having the next generation taught a bunch of nonsense,” he said.
Otherwise, all Republicans really need to do is “sit back and watch [Democrats] burn their house down,” Cahaly said. In his view, that’s especially the case given the swath of potential independent and third-party candidates angling to enter the race for president, and primary challenges that pro-Israel groups like AIPAC have threatened against Democrats who don’t support the war.
“There are going to be a lot of alternatives for people to vote for and make known their displeasure with Biden without having to vote for Trump,” Cahaly said.
But while votes like the one on Tuesday create an opportunity for Republicans to keep Democratic divisions in the news and on the minds of voters, Rosenberg argues the Democratic coalition has shown no signs of fraying in actual elections over the last year. The party has notched critical victories in the Virginia legislature, a Wisconsin Supreme Court race, and in preserving abortion rights in Ohio.
“[Republicans] are the ones that are getting their ass kicked all over the country,” Rosenberg said.
May December isn’t camp. So what is it?
In the opening moments of Todd Haynes’s May December, scandalous tabloid subject-turned-homemaker Gracie (Julianne Moore) opens a refrigerator, dramatically accompanied by a sudden piano sting and an ominous camera zoom.
The twist? They might not have enough hot dogs for their upcoming cookout.
If that strikes you as funny, you’re not alone. This is a film that reportedly had audiences laughing out loud during its debut, a story the New York Times called “the most fun film” at Cannes 2023. And yet, it’s also a film based on the horrifying real-life story of a sexual predator and her child victim.
Viewers have been debating since its December 1 platform release. Is it camp? Is it supposed to be funny? Is Natalie Portman a bad actor or is she just very good at playing a bad one?
These are all interesting questions to consider, but they arguably obscure the biggest question of all: What does it mean that audiences are laughing at a story as dark as this one — and does that say more about the film or its viewers? Is May December critiquing the exploitative nature of media, or is it an example of the very thing it seeks to deconstruct?
[Note: This review contains spoilers.]
May December adapts a real-life tabloid scandal
May December fictionalizes the story of Mary Kay Letourneau and Vili Fualaau. The pair met when she was a teacher and he was in second grade. After years of plying Fualaau with gifts and special attention, Letourneau became pregnant by Fualaau when he was just 13. Convicted of rape, she was released after just three months but immediately violated parole to become pregnant with Fualaau’s second child. In 2005, after serving a seven-year sentence during which she continued her relationship with Fualaau, Letourneau married him. The couple separated in 2019, shortly before Letourneau’s death from cancer.
This crime would be properly viewed today as that of a child predator who successfully spent years grooming her target. In the ’90s, however, the media framed it as a star-crossed love story, allowing Letourneau to direct the narrative, so much so that even Fualaau’s own family defended her, insisting the pair were in love and that Fualaau was “extremely mature” for his age.
The film picks up where our cultural memory leaves off. The fictional Gracie and her victim, Joe Yoo (Charles Melton), have been together 24 years. Still living in Savannah, Georgia, where the scandal occurred, they’re preparing for the graduation day of their younger daughter and son. Into this dynamic saunters a fictional celebrity, Elizabeth (Natalie Portman). But Elizabeth, who’s trying to get to know Gracie in order to play her for an upcoming film adaptation, isn’t an objective observer.
Haynes’s directorial choices make it extremely clear that this relationship was far from rosy, indicting not just Letourneau but the onlookers, too — the tabloid media who hyped the story as a romance, the Hollywood machine that made it the stuff of Lifetime movie lore, and the real-life audiences who ate it up. To do that, he utilizes a tonal approach that suggests his three main characters are in three different movies within the movie, each one clashing with the other.
May December utilizes clashing perspectives to keep us discomfited
Gracie is inside a movie about star-crossed soulmates who find each other against all odds — a movie where she is the hero and the whole world is rooting for her. The hot dog scene is our first tell that Gracie’s world is a delusion. It’s the kind of overly dramatic stinger we might find in a ’90s made-for-TV movie, applied to something vapid. In Gracie’s narcissistic point of view, however, little things become magnified. Today, her tightly controlled world could be disrupted by missing hot dogs; tomorrow, it could be something much worse.
Her lawyer reveals to Elizabeth at one point that Gracie’s friends are all Norma Desmonding her — humoring her attempts to set herself up as a baker by ordering cakes they don’t eat, just to give her something to do. Gracie clings to this vision of herself; the smallest disturbance leaves her sobbing, desperate for comfort from Joe. She relies on him for everything, and he shoulders everything from emotional support to parenting duties.
Yet Joe, much like Fualaau toward the end of his relationship with Letourneau, undergoes an awakening during the film. Over a series of heartbreaking moments beautifully acted by Melton, we see him slowly come to know what the rest of us already do: He was a victim, not a willing participant, in the “love story” planned out for him by Letourneau. In one devastating scene, he watches his son smoke a joint with a look of palpable yearning, reminding viewers that he never got the chance to do something so mundane as a teen because he was robbed of a normal adolescence.
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François Duhamel/Courtesy of Netflix
Of our three different narratives, only Joe’s is an accurate reflection of reality. That reality is full of troubling conflict; Joe’s devastation at his lost childhood mixes with pride in and love for his kids. He moves through the film with quiet care for his children, for Gracie, for the butterflies he’s been nursing, helping protect them until they, like his own children, can leave their cocoons and fly away.
As he begins to understand his situation, Joe seeks help and understanding from Elizabeth; later, he unsuccessfully pleads for help from Gracie herself. But any hope that Elizabeth can be a moral arbiter here quickly dies. Instead, within the tableau of perspectives on Gracie’s crime, she represents the tabloid view, one that sees the “May-December romance” as not only shocking but titillating — ultimately erotic rather than dangerous. She reminds us throughout that in reality, Vili Fualaau was a victim, not just of Letourneau, but of a media machine and a society that was quick to sexualize him.
Once we understand this, Portman’s performance becomes anything but phoned-in. She becomes the key to unlocking the whole movie.
Portman’s performance is crucial to understanding Haynes’s project
If this were a typical cautionary tale, Portman’s character would be the vehicle for the audience’s moral outrage — the character we’re allowed to relate to and empathize with who serves as our tour guide through the distorted landscape of Gracie and Joe’s relationship.
But Elizabeth winds up aiding and abetting the distortion. Portman plays her like an ingenue, a starlet who’s still in her starlet mode, even though in the world of the film, she’s an industry veteran of 36 — the same age Gracie was when her relationship with Joe came to light.
Over the course of the film, she falls for the fantasy of becoming Gracie. She smiles flirtatiously at teen boys. She gets lost in a wildly inappropriate description of filming sex to a group of high schoolers. Later, she pantomimes sex at the literal scene of the crime — in the pet shop stockroom where Gracie and Joe were ultimately caught.
In one charged scene, she allows Gracie to do her makeup and reacts to their intimacy with a homoerotic mix of repulsion and elation. Ultimately, she has sex with Joe — then, finally, fully transforms into the older seductress by performing one of Gracie’s love letters as a monologue.
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Courtesy of Netflix
The more she is drawn into this version of the story, the more callous Elizabeth becomes. After viewing footage of 13-year-olds auditioning for the role of Joe in the movie she’s in, she complains to the director that they aren’t “sexy enough.” When Joe angrily insists to her that his life isn’t a story, she says calmly, “There’s no need to get so worked up about it” — exactly the kind of thing Gracie herself might say. She becomes fully swept up in a story that’s all about her and her repressed sexual desires coming to the fore.
The difficulty audiences have had in parsing what Portman is doing reveals just how smart her performance is: She’s so believable that not everyone believes she’s acting. (Portman first championed the script to Haynes, so it’s likely that she was thinking about the layered dynamics at play here long before anyone else.)
Our frustrated expectations of Portman’s role are also tied to confusion over the film itself. With two divas each getting carried away with the idea of themselves as the hero of a fantastical (but in fact disintegrating) love story, it’s easy to see how claims have arisen that May December is a work of camp. It doesn’t help that Haynes has a penchant for lush, indulgent dramas (Velvet Goldmine, Carol) that sometimes nudge the campy line between melodrama and farce.
So, to really understand May December, we have to understand the ways in which it could be camp — but ultimately isn’t.
May December isn’t camp, but thinking about it through the lens of camp is useful
Camp is what happens when societal expectations collide with a character or a persona who can’t perform those expectations convincingly. Instead, their attempt at performance unwittingly reveals and magnifies the artifice of those expectations. Camp is closely related to queer identity and performance, which expose the artifice of heteronormativity. Gender and sexual deviance of all kinds are likewise camp-adjacent because they often reveal how absurd the mechanics of repression can be.
In Gracie’s case, she is a true sexual deviant who’s deeply invested in adhering to societal rules. They help validate her version of the narrative. But because she’s a true deviant, ultimately unable to perform normative social behavior, she breaks the illusion of normalcy in ways that border on hysterical.
A perfect example of this is the moment Gracie gushes to Elizabeth about a card Joe gave her years earlier, featuring a banal love note. Then she casually adds that the card was a classroom assignment, reminding Elizabeth and the audience that Joe was a seventh grader. It’s a hilarious, deeply disturbing moment. These two emotions converging is the essence of camp.
For something to truly be camp, however, its presentation has to align with the destabilizing worldview. If the subject, the camera, or the direction is too knowing, the effect can become satirical, and in some cases cringe. (This is also, incidentally, why the Met Gala “camp” theme was a disaster; you can’t plan camp.) But Haynes never allows the artificial, fantasist narratives of Gracie and Elizabeth to overshadow the anguish Melton conveys. As Elizabeth becomes more entranced by Gracie’s story, her performance as Gracie becomes more campy and less effective. Meanwhile, Gracie’s performance of the role of perfect housewife fails to convince anyone but herself.
When Joe finally confronts Gracie about the truth of their lives together, the scene is anything but camp. It’s a deeply troubling reminder that society gave its stamp of approval to a relationship that left him with lifelong trauma. Adding to the discomfort of this moment is that screenwriter Samy Burch uses dialogue from a jaw-dropping real-life 2018 interview with Australian journalist Matt Doran. In the segment, the adult Letourneau and Fualaau have a tense exchange in which she tells him repeatedly, in front of a shocked Doran, that he was “the boss” in their relationship.
So many contemporary movies and shows based on real events traffic in imitation, with uncanny impressions seen as the highest achievement. What May December does to incorporate this moment is 1000x more interesting. pic.twitter.com/hNQIlQtzZQ
— Louis Peitzman (@LouisPeitzman) December 2, 2023