++For Indigenous people, there are few simple feelings about Scorseseās take on the Reign of Terror. +
++Growing up, Welana Queton never talked about the Reign of Terror with outsiders. As a young girl, Queton learned about the protracted murder spree which saw the deaths of more than 60 Osage Natives between 1918 and 1931, but she says the murders were āonly talked about amongst your immediate family; it never was talked about outside of those circles.ā Now, in 2023, the story is being told on the widest stage possible with some of the biggest names in Hollywood. +
++Queton is one of many Osage citizens who worked as an extra on Killers of the Flower Moon. The movie raises questions about who can tell a story like this, but that doesnāt mean itās equipped to answer them. I can imagine, for Osage people, it must feel good to have their story on film. I can imagine if someone were to make a movie about my great-great-grandfather Quanah Parker, a well-known warrior and leader of one of my tribes, the Comanches, that Iād be at least interested in seeing how that story was portrayed. I could understand how one might want the story to come out simply because it hadnāt been acknowledged for far too long. +
++But Iād be interested, too, in who was telling that story. As an Indigenous writer and filmmaker, Iād rather be the one to make it. In a time when Indigenous film and TV exists, when a show like Reservation Dogs flourishes, when the template of Indigenous creation and excellence has been achieved, the question I ask is: Why do we need another writer/director from outside of our communities to tell our stories, yet again? +
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++Martin Scorsese has tried in seemingly every way to make Killers of the Flower Moon as sincerely and correctly as possible. Heās employed Osage people to work behind the scenes and consulted with them to ensure sensitivity and authenticity. Heās gone as far as to rework his original script to make amends for the lack of Osage centeredness. +
++Sitting in a Santa Fe, New Mexico, cinema on a Friday afternoon, I watched as Scorsese (on screen) earnestly introduced his latest film, and wondered how far that intention would take us. I was surrounded by elderly anglo cineastes. As the film progressed, I heard crying from the crowd, the blowing of noses, the shock of how brutally humans can treat one another ā how, in this case, the white interlopers treated the Osage. In the dark of the cinema, I heard the disgust of these descendants of colonialism, angry at their own ancestors. +
++But what would happen later? Would they go home to large, fancy Santa Fe houses, acquired through years of generational wealth? After they finished decrying Americaās horrible past, would they drain their glasses of pinot noir and just move on? Would they remember the whole thing as a Martin Scorsese movie starring Robert De Niro and Leonardo DiCaprio, and let the particulars of Osage genocide and generational pain fall from their minds? +
++Killers of the Flower Moon, the story of how white people murdered Osages in the 1920s for their oil-rich lands, adapted from David Grannās book, means well. The performances are great ā which is to be expected when you have such a standout cast. Lily Gladstone continues her phenomenal year after a pivotal role in Reservation Dogs and as the lead in the independent films Fancy Dance and The Unknown Country. Gladstone conveys a quiet grace as Mollie Burkhart, the heart and soul of the film, who slowly fades away, literally and figuratively; by the third act, she is mostly sweating, vomiting, and dying, a figure without agency, as the white people maneuver around her doing terrible deeds. DiCaprio brings a yeoman-like quality to his performance as Ernest Burkhart, the man who arrives in Osage country with designs on acquiring the abundant wealth it holds. He grunts, furrows his brow, and plays Burkhart ā a man whose oft-repeated refrain is, āI love money!ā ā as simply as needed. De Niro is so adept at playing crooks at this point in his long and incredible career that one need not be surprised at how well he settles into the role of Burkhartās uncle, the self-proclaimed āKing of the Osage Hills,ā William Hale. When Jesse Plemons arrives on screen as Bureau of Investigation agent Tom White, itās refreshing. His is a face that can be so blank you can project just about any type of emotion onto it. By the time we see him, there has been so much death and betrayal of the Osage people that his very existence is a welcome respite. +
++Osage citizen Susan Shannon remembers shooting her background scenes in June of 2021 in Pawhuska, Oklahoma. āIt was just fascinating to see big-time movie making. It transformed our little town, cameras and cranes.ā Like Welana Queton, she remembers being told as a kid not to disclose too much to outsiders about the Osage murders or her oil profits, known as headrights. Born in 1954, she was closer to the Osage murders than Queton, and her family was guarded about the topic more out of fear for their lives than anything else. +
++Shannon recalls talking with visitors to the Osage museum where she worked before retiring, discussing Osage history with visitors: āIt is funny that you talk about these things and all of a sudden youāre overwhelmed.ā She wasnāt a fan of Grannās book at first, āI didnāt care for how it was written. Itās written by a white man from a white manās point of view.ā She does, however, recognize the amount of research Grann put into the book ā āI had to respect that.ā +
++āThis is going to hit women differently,ā Queton told me. āIt has to do with trauma to women, Osage women specifically.ā The subject matter was familiar to Osage people, of course, but how to discuss the murders has never been agreed upon. āIt was a very taboo thing to discuss. Itās never been discussed as a community, outside of your family. It is very strange that this is being exposed, itās a very strange feeling.ā +
++Queton believes it is a step in a positive direction. āI do think the wounds are going to be exposed, that historical trauma,ā she says. āI think itās a good thing for other Native people too, not just us.ā After seeing the film, Queton recalls wailing unexpectedly from all of the unprocessed trauma, years of pent-up sadness overwhelming her. +
++Killers of the Flower Moon is a long film ā too long, really, clocking in at just slightly under three and a half hours ā mostly because it has a lot to say, but also maybe because thereās too much to say. Perhaps itās so long because these are not the people who should be saying it. +
++Scorsese truly tried, but the reality is this is yet another film about Indigenous people, in this case, the Osage, written and directed by white people and adapted from a book written by a white man. His attempts to reframe the story are admirable, but the creators of the film can only center Osages so much, they themselves not being Osage. Besides that, Scorsese has always been drawn to gangsters and gangsterism. Thereās nothing wrong with that. However, they are the main perpetrators of the carnage in Osage County, and while respect is being paid to the Osage in telling this story, it doesnāt feel like enough. It feels as though the individuals and their deaths are used to serve the story, as a way to get DiCaprio to the next scene. +
++After watching Killers, it seems evident to me that non-Indigenous writers and directors making films about Indigenous people are still primarily interested in our past, in our horrors, in our grieving, in our trauma, in perhaps the collective need to mourn. When I say collective, though, I wonder if itās more of a need for them than us. I wonder why we canāt do this on our own terms and make films about our own histories. Perhaps after we create more cool genre films (see Blood Quantum and Night Raiders) and build toward a better cinematic infrastructure, we could get the chance to tell these stories ourselves. Why canāt white people stay out of it and let us, as Indigenous people, work up to this on our own timeline? Spoiler alert: Itās the money. We donāt have it, they do. +
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++Osage artist and graphic designer Addie Roanhorse had a number of roles in the making of the film, including as film ambassador for the Osage Nation and then in the art, props, and costume departments. She was eventually offered an acting part in the film but turned it down ā an artist herself, Roanhorse had already committed to the art department and wanted to keep her word. She was then asked to design a number of gorgeous film posters for Killers of the Flower Moon. The project has been a blessing of opportunities for Roanhorse, but it is also a mixed bag of feelings for her. She went into the process thinking she was fine, she was good, āand then itās just these emotions just keep hitting me. Itās like Iām so happy, but Iām so gut-wrenched too. Just like, you feel so raw right now.ā She has gone on to work on more sets since Killers wrapped. Sheās found a place in the film industry and more opportunities, but it came at a cost. +
++Near the end of the film, Scorsese inserts himself. Itās as if he is trying his hardest, his damndest, to shape the film and story as best he can into something, in case you didnāt catch his sincerity the first time around. Itās impossible, though, because heās not of the people the film is purportedly about. Many have praised the penultimate scene in the film. I thought it was an exercise in buffoonery ā one that changes the tone of the film considerably and leaves me thinking I simply must have missed something in the three hours and 26 minutes of story where this would have made sense. But I donāt think so. Iāll have to watch it again. +
++Scorsese wants us to know he did the work, and thatās basically true. You can do all of that, though, you can do all the things: get all the permissions, have the best intentions, tell as much of the story as you possibly can, but in the end, you still have to make a good film. +
++And besides making a good film, there remains a group of people who must process their emotions and work through what Killers of the Flower Moon means to them, people like Addie Roanhorse: āItās finally out, so after working on the film for seven years, getting to this point, I donāt really know how to feel. Iāve been circling my house a little bit, just processing.ā +
++Worldwide protests denounced Israelās strikes on Gaza, which hit refugee camps and ambulances. +
++The Israel Defense Forces have attacked multiple civilian targets in the last week ā including refugee camps and an ambulance convoy ā killing more than 200 Palestinians, according to government sources in Gaza, as Israel prosecutes its war against Hamas. +
++The IDF targeted the Jabalia refugee camp in northern Gaza, which has a registered population of just over 116,000, at least three times in the last week, as well as Palestinian Red Crescent ambulances near the al-Shifa hospital. The IDF claimed responsibility for the attacks, saying they were necessary to destroy Hamasās tunnel-based infrastructure; this comes amid increasing calls for a ceasefire and mass pro-Palestinian protests in cities throughout the world. +
++The IDF claims it has thus far killed 10 Hamas commanders responsible for attacks against Israeli troops. Hamas is responsible for the devastating October 7 attacks, which killed more than 1,400 people in Israel, mostly civilians. Hamas is still holding around 240 hostages from as many as 35 different countries, including the US, in Gaza. But the full-throated support for Israel from the international community immediately following the attacks has faded somewhat as the humanitarian crisis has grown in Gaza. Political leaders, including US President Joe Biden and Secretary of State Antony Blinken, have both called for āpausesā in the fighting to facilitate humanitarian aid deliveries and civilian evacuation in the territory. Israeli officials, including Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu, have dismissed the calls to prioritize civilian safety in their operations, saying the attacks in Gaza will continue until Hamas is defeated and the hostages are returned. +
++The United Nations has condemned both Hamasās October 7 attack and Israeli attacks on Gaza, with the UN High Commission for Human Rights warning that Israeli airstrikes on Jabalia āare disproportionate attacks that could amount to war crimes.ā +
++The IDF also targeted a convoy of ambulances outside the al-Shifa hospital in northern Gaza Friday, claiming that its intelligence indicated Hamas militants were using the ambulances. Israel maintains that the hospital covers Hamasās underground command center, which Dr.Ā Medhat Abbas, director general of the Gaza Health Ministry, has denied. +
++The Bureij and al-Maghazi refugee camps were also bombed, on Sunday and Saturday respectively, but the IDF has not commented on those bombings or claimed responsibility. The Bureij camp was also attacked on Thursday. +
++Global protests show growing demand for a ceasefire +
++Since the beginning of the war, Israeli strikes have killed nearly 9,500 Palestinians, including almost 4,000 children, according to the Gaza Health Ministry. On Friday protesters in Washington, DC, Berlin, London, and several other major cities gathered to call for a ceasefire and condemn governments, including the US, that provide Israel with major military support. Protesters in Washington, DC, laid out small white body bags with the names of Palestinian children killed in the airstrikes and marched with a banner displaying the names of people killed in the airstrikes. +
++The Washington march served as a sharp rebuke of Biden, whose polling numbers among Arab Americans have dropped precipitously since the beginning of the war, with many saying they will not vote for him a second time. An October poll from the Arab American Institute shows Bidenās support among that group of voters plummeting from 59 percent in 2020 to just 17 percent. That disapproval could prove a serious barrier to Bidenās chances for reelection just a year from now; as Axios pointed out, the Midwest, and Michigan in particular, were crucial to Bidenās 2020 win. Detroit and Dearborn, Michigan, have some of the largest Arab American populations in the country ā and their fury over Bidenās support for Israel could present a serious problem for him in 2024. +
++On Sunday, Blinken met with Palestinian Authority President Mahmoud Abbas, who called for an immediate ceasefire. Abbas and the Palestinian Authority nominally control the West Bank, where IDF soldiers and armed Israeli settlers have killed at least 100 Palestinians since October 7. The US has rejected calls for an immediate ceasefire, with Blinken saying that a ceasefire would āleave Hamas in place to regroup and repeat attacks.ā +
++Netanyahu on Sunday forcefully rejected calls for a ceasefire. āThere will be no ceasefire without the return of the hostages. This should be completely removed from the lexicon,ā he said at Israelās Ramon Air Base. āWe say this to our friends and to our enemies. We will simply continue until we defeat them. We have no alternative.ā +
++Blinken and Abbas met in the occupied West Bank as part of the US push to secure increased humanitarian access for Gaza and encourage planning for the Palestinian territoriesā post-conflict governance. Though neither the meeting nor Blinkenās visit to the West Bank was announced until after he had left, Palestinian protesters turned out to condemn the Biden administrationās support for Israel, the Associated Press reports. +
++Though Israelās ground invasion of Gaza has just started, the IDF likely has limited time to accomplish its goals of destroying Hamasās military and governing capabilities and returning the hostages, James Jeffrey, former special envoy to the International Coalition to Defeat ISIS, told Vox in an October interview. According to Jeffrey, Israel must āreally care, as a strategic military issue, [about] civilian casualties and humanitarian issues because that will determine how long you have American support. They only have so much time, even if itās an existential battle.ā +
++More American adults than ever say they likely wonāt have kids, although weāre still a minority. +
++Iām what researchers call an āearly deciderā when it comes to kids: Iām one of the lucky ones who has always known I donāt want them. The sound of a baby crying makes my muscles tense, and whenever someone passes me their toddler, I hold them out in front of me with rigid arms, unsure of what to say or how to act. Compared to some childfree adults, Iām privileged to feel at peace with my decision. Iāve rarely felt pressure from my parents; theyāre banking on one of my other five siblings to provide grandchildren. This freedom has instilled confidence in my dating life. Just ask any of my friends: Iām steadfast and vocal about this topic. +
++And yet. On multiple occasions, Iāve been swept up in new, intoxicating relationships with people who do want kids. In each situation, weāve taken the āweāll figure it out laterā approach despite the fact that we had conversations early on (but apparently not early enough to avoid catching feelings). Spoiler alert: it has never worked. The kids versus no-kids debate is too fundamental to disagree on. +
++Once unconventional, childfree lifestyles are increasingly common. According to a 2021 survey from the Pew Research Center, 44 percent of non-parents ages 18 to 49 say it is not too likely or not likely at all that they will have children ā a 7 percent jump from 2018 data. Another 2022 Michigan-based study found that one in five adults are voluntarily childfree. (āChildfreeā refers to adults who do not have and do not want kids, compared to folks who are undecided or cannot have kids.) +
++So with more and more people deciding they probably wonāt ever bring a child into this world (because they donāt want to subject an innocent human to an impending climate crisis or they simply donāt want to raise āem), dating as a childfree individual should be simple, right? +
++Well, the majority of adults in the United States still want to become parents. And our deeply ingrained image of the traditional family structure makes things even trickier. People āexpress more negative emotions such as moral outrage, pity, and disgust toward childfree adults than parents,ā found the 2022 research study. Plus, this topic is one heck of a dealbreaker: āYou get a job? You could always quit. You move to a new state, a new city, a new country? You could always come back. Anything can be undone, right?ā says Veronica Prager of the Childfree Connection. āA child is the one thing that canāt be; itās the biggest possible decision as far as where the trajectory of your life is going to go.ā A friend of mine, Austin Martin, described this incompatibility as āwhen you get a snag on a shirt and then it all starts to unravel.ā +
++Add to that the fact that half of adults think dating in general feels a lot harder in the last 10 years, according to a 2020 study from the Pew Research Center, despite the abundance of options that dating apps allow us. Lace Andersen, 41, is seeking long-term partnership, so after moving to Utah, she dedicated herself to the apps for an entire year. But after a slew of bad experiences (one guy showed up drunk, another screamed at his dog for no reason, and ā perhaps the biggest red flag of all ā one asked her to turn on her read receipts after a 30-minute coffee date), sheās burnt out on dating. +
++When dating already feels like a chore, itās easy to get in over your head too quickly when you find that instant connection. I know this all too well: I had been dating Liam for about a week when he popped the question. āDo you think you want children?ā he asked me as we watched TV (maybe it was prompted by the emotional openness of the participants on Love Is Blind). āNo,ā I responded. He hesitated. āNo, meaning you havenāt thought about it, or no, you donāt want kids?ā After I expressed my disinterest in ever bearing, much less raising, a child, his disposition changed. It was the beginning of the end. But because I was selfishly looking for something casual, I told him that I wasnāt ready for it to be over. We decided to keep seeing each other, but a few weeks later, after a fun evening out, he broke things off ā it had all seemed too real, the rose-tinted future of a relationship that was never going to exist. +
++āWithin my client and social circles, Iāve witnessed a lot of hard endings of relationships because those two paths didnāt agree,ā says Katie Maynard, a licensed independent clinical social worker who works with childfree clients. So, if youāre searching for partnership, you may consider adding a bit of strategy to your dating life. +
++Know what you ā not your family, friends, or society ā really want +
++Childfree adults usually fall into one of two camps: Early deciders, like me, who have known from a young age, and postponers, who decide over time. Prager was a postponer. āI wasnāt 100 percent sure because of pronatalist conditioning and the way society was treating me. People were telling me I was crazy and was going to regret it,ā she says. āBut I always knew that I wasnāt getting pulled toward motherhood and that really confused me.ā +
++Jenn Shapland, queer author of the book of essays Thin Skin, thought from childhood that she wanted babies. āI wanted the power and cultural sanction that accompanied pregnancy, but I also wanted my time to be my own,ā she says. In grad school, she began to question her impulses after reading feminist ideas about motherhood from authors like Audre Lorde, bell hooks, and Adrienne Rich. When she got together with her current childfree partner, she finally had space to examine her own desires and to shape the life she wanted. āA baby is a great apology to the world, to your parents, for being queer,ā Shapland writes in an essay titled āThe Meaning of Life.ā āIt would be a good way to ask to be forgiven, to absolve myself of being queer and gain back some of the power and status I lose as a lesbian. Like, here, Mom, take this baby! Maybe that will make up for the rest of what you lost. Is it possible that I still hold myself to the standards of straight women, that I see myself as one deep down, or that some part of me longs to be a part of the group, even though Iām queer?ā +
++In her mid- to late 20s, Prager ā like Shapland ā focused on self-reflection. This process can be daunting, as many of us have assumed our entire lives that there are certain checkpoints to being an adult: first marriage, then a house, then babies. With so many external influences, how do you home in on your own beliefs and figure out what you want in life? +
++Maynard recommends considering both paths: āSpend a lot of time looking at what parenthood, especially motherhood, would be like, and then spend a lot of time looking at what it would be like to move forward,ā she says. To do the work you need to ask yourself some tough questions (or work with a therapist) to deconstruct your belief systems. āWhat are you carrying around that isnāt serving you, that isnāt true?ā Maynard asks her patients. +
++After you give yourself time to process, write your new narrative for what life could look like in the future. What are your life goals? How do you want to spend your time? Keep in mind these revelations donāt need to be earth-shattering, and resist the urge to critique yourself as selfish. āA lot of people feel like, well, if I donāt have kids, I should do something meaningful with my life,ā says Maynard. āWe try to take all those expectations off.ā +
++Filter your dating pool +
++Once youāre firm in your decision to be childfree, dating might seem easy. After all, you have a gigantic, glaringly obvious dealbreaker. Finding someone who shares that choice is the next hurdle. +
++Dana Cama, 32, recently entered the dating world after ending a seven-year relationship. āI would rather establish [that I donāt want kids] right from the beginning,ā she says. āI donāt really want to waste my time anymore with finding something where weāre just really lusty over each other.ā Cama sets her boundaries before the first date. āOn the dating apps now, it asks if you want kids, which is really helpful,ā she says. āSo as Iām looking through profiles, I wonāt even bother with somebody who says they want kids.ā Andersen takes this approach a step further, not only checking the ādonāt want childrenā box on the apps, but also writing it out on her profile. The one caveat, she says: āThey never read it.ā +
++Communicate your intentions upfront +
++Not everyone pays attention when theyāre swiping, so this is where some good old-fashioned in-person communication comes in handy (or at least a few in-app messages). The easiest way is to ask the question ā Do you want kids? ā outright. But if being direct isnāt your thing, you can bring it up in a more nuanced way. Maynard suggests a phrase like: āSince I donāt want kids, Iāll be able to do this and that.ā She explains that it should be āsomething where youāre authentically putting it out there in the very beginning.ā +
++Getting these tough questions out of the way at the beginning avoids conflict down the road, even if you donāt see things getting serious. āIāve had so many people reach out to me saying, āI thought this would be like a light and fun thing. We didnāt want to have big discussions because weāre getting to know each other,ā right?āā says Prager. āIt sounds amazing, but now he wants kids and you donāt, and itās even more complicated because youāre in love.ā +
++When Prager mentioned this, it felt like a personal attack. Thatās how I operated in most of my relationships (and probably still operate). In my late 20s, I dated Alex for two years. Both of us knew that we were on different pages. Maybe neither of us saw it as a long-term romance, or maybe we were avoiding the obvious. Despite knowing the relationship wasnāt sustainable, we were compelled to stay together because of a magnetic chemistry. Some days, I thought, āWhat would having kids together look like?ā but I knew I was grasping at anything to try to save what was inevitably set up to fail. One of us would have to make an ultimate sacrifice, and neither of us was willing to do it. +
++While I donāt regret that relationship, Iām at an age where I wouldnāt want to repeat it. But Iām also afraid of cutting off a good match before I even give them a chance. āWe worry so much about that first impression,ā says Maynard. āI donāt want to say anything to scare them away, so Iām just going to be kind of vague but really cute.ā By taking this approach, youāre doing yourself a disservice. (And if you scare them away, good riddance.) +
++If all of this feels a bit overwhelming, keep in mind these skills come with time. āI feel a lot more comfortable now that Iām older,ā says Cama. āOnce you get into your 30s, itās way easier to have those conversations,ā says Maynard. āEveryone is sort of on the same page, weāve all dated people, weāve had serious conversations.ā +
++Ask follow-up questions +
++After finding someone who agrees about being childfree, it becomes ācrucial to speak to the other person about why,ā says Prager. Why donāt you want kids? Digging deep into the reasons can be really enlightening and can ensure youāre on the same page. Maybe someoneās motivations are strictly financial, and this decision could change with age and a new, higher-paying position. Better to know this now than five years in. These follow-up questions will help you figure out your non-negotiables, too. Maybe youāre okay with dating someone with kids ā say, a teenager ā but donāt want to take on any parental duties. +
++Plus, follow-up questions can provide insight into how much thought someone has given it. āA lot of people are very wishy-washy about whether they want kids or not,ā says Maynard. Specifically, many women I talked to said their male partners were on the fence until their relationship. (One man I talked to was ambivalent but then later said he couldnāt āimagine feeling fulfilled without children.ā) When you think about it biologically, men can get away with a mere cursory thought ā they donāt need to carry a baby inside them, after all ā while women cannot. This topic is even more nuanced for people in queer relationships, as having kids is āan endeavor that requires planning, determination, and in most cases, a large financial investment,ā writes Shapland in Thin Skin. +
++Accept both grief and joy as part of the process +
++Sometimes, even if youāre staying true to yourself, grief can come up in the dating process, says Maynard, whether itās because you met a great match who wants kids, ended a relationship over opposing values, or are feeling heartbreak about āmissing outā on a family. If youāve had thoughts like, āThis is me being authentic. And Iām kind of sad about it,ā Maynard says, āthatās totally natural and doesnāt mean anything is wrong with you.ā +
++But childfree dating can also ease some of the pressures of dating. āIf I wanted kids, dating would be horrendous because you feel like youāre running out of time,ā says Andersen, adding that sheās also open to various lifestyles. āTo be a parent, youāll look for someone with a consistent job, good health insurance, all these things that you need to have to be able to take care of a family and stuff,ā she says. āI can date whoever, really. Thereās no limitation.ā +